U.S. Education Secretary Betsy DeVos Advocates Return to Agrarian Society; Rich People Not Worried

. February 9, 2017.
Real professional, Betsy.
Real professional, Betsy.

THIS PIECE IS SATIRE

WASHINGTON – After her contentious confirmation hearing earlier this week to lead the U.S. Department of Education, the new billionaire Secretary of Education and noted “school choice” proponent Betsy DeVos said during a news conference that she’s open to restoring America’s pre-20th Century agrarian society where parents and children could, in her words, “choose to attend school or not.”

“Public school systems have been wasting taxpayer money on students and teachers unions for too long,” DeVos said during a news conference shortly after her contentious Senate confirmation hearing. “They’ve imposed this mandatory schooling process on students that don’t get to choose how they want to be educated. We’re giving parents and students the opportunity to returning to our ancestral roots, where we could rejoice in tilling fields for our seasonal bounty.”

“Children born to rich parents in cities will attend actual schools,” DeVos said in response to one reporter’s question. “All other rich children outside of cities will receive private instruction from tutors, like how children of wealthy plantation owners hired exceptional tutors for their kids in the 1800s.”

DeVos insisted that children of poor parents will find the choice to attend school empowering in a way that traditional publicly funded education has simply failed to. “Students can finally choose how they want to learn, be it from a book or through working the family farm from before sunrise to just around dusk.”

“It’s going to be just like the 1850s, except there will be more of a quasi-feudalist tint,” DeVos said. “Oh, and maybe elements reminiscent of India’s caste system.”

Funds previously allocated toward improving the nation’s public education infrastructure to keep students competitive with emergent world powers like China have been reappropriated to provide each student in America with the new singular federally mandated textbook: the Christian bible.

 

YOUR ATTENTION PLEASE: THIS PIECE IS SATIRE. This piece is meant to highlight the asininity of Betsy DeVos’s appointment as U.S. Secretary of Education when all records suggest an alarming lack of qualifications for the post as well as a thinly veiled abject disdain for public education in general.

Trending

You Know You Want This

Kristen Roupenian’s You Know You Want This is a collection of short stories that revels in the mystifying aspects of interpersonal relationships without ever feeling the need to justify them.

Paesano Restaurant & Wine Bar

Crossing the threshold to enter Paesano (3411 Washtenaw) allows diners to enter another world.

Detroit’s Lester Johnson’s Solo Exhibit, Clarion Calls

This thoughtful mini-retrospective of the artist’s work traces his visual journey as an African American contemporary artist from the 1970’s until today.

“Mystic Nights” Show Inspires Wonder And Awe

Monthly performances by Misha Tuesday invite audience to question the realm of possibility.