U.S. Education Secretary Betsy DeVos Advocates Return to Agrarian Society; Rich People Not Worried

. February 9, 2017.
Real professional, Betsy.
Real professional, Betsy.

THIS PIECE IS SATIRE

WASHINGTON – After her contentious confirmation hearing earlier this week to lead the U.S. Department of Education, the new billionaire Secretary of Education and noted “school choice” proponent Betsy DeVos said during a news conference that she’s open to restoring America’s pre-20th Century agrarian society where parents and children could, in her words, “choose to attend school or not.”

“Public school systems have been wasting taxpayer money on students and teachers unions for too long,” DeVos said during a news conference shortly after her contentious Senate confirmation hearing. “They’ve imposed this mandatory schooling process on students that don’t get to choose how they want to be educated. We’re giving parents and students the opportunity to returning to our ancestral roots, where we could rejoice in tilling fields for our seasonal bounty.”

“Children born to rich parents in cities will attend actual schools,” DeVos said in response to one reporter’s question. “All other rich children outside of cities will receive private instruction from tutors, like how children of wealthy plantation owners hired exceptional tutors for their kids in the 1800s.”

DeVos insisted that children of poor parents will find the choice to attend school empowering in a way that traditional publicly funded education has simply failed to. “Students can finally choose how they want to learn, be it from a book or through working the family farm from before sunrise to just around dusk.”

“It’s going to be just like the 1850s, except there will be more of a quasi-feudalist tint,” DeVos said. “Oh, and maybe elements reminiscent of India’s caste system.”

Funds previously allocated toward improving the nation’s public education infrastructure to keep students competitive with emergent world powers like China have been reappropriated to provide each student in America with the new singular federally mandated textbook: the Christian bible.

 

YOUR ATTENTION PLEASE: THIS PIECE IS SATIRE. This piece is meant to highlight the asininity of Betsy DeVos’s appointment as U.S. Secretary of Education when all records suggest an alarming lack of qualifications for the post as well as a thinly veiled abject disdain for public education in general.

Trending

Films on the A & B Sides

Since devising a makeshift screen out of a sheet while using a primitive light source to project a John Waters film, humans have gathered together at the temple of schlock to view outrageous movies. In furtherance of that practice, for the past year and a half, the Burnout Society Film Club has indulged in double

The Old Town Tavern

Simply, solid and everything you need For almost fifty years, The Old Town Tavern has been the quiet neighbor on West Liberty. Previously adjacent was Mr. Flood’s Party, which occupied the place next door before the West End Grill moved in, almost three decades ago. Before that, the storefronts on Liberty near Ashley were a

What’s in a word

YpsiWrites for all Whether it’s a quick email, a snarky tweet, or that research paper you’re dreading, writing is a part of our everyday lives. ‘We are all writers’ is the message of the YpsiWrites program, which recently began at all Ypsilanti District Library branches. YpsiWrites theme, “Everyone’s a Writer,” is a motto prompted by

Judy Banker’s Buffalo Motel

New album captures the permanence of memories When I talk to Judy Banker about her new album, Buffalo Motel, I can’t avoid my first question being about one particular song, “Haggerty.” I can’t wait for you to hear it in a live setting at The Ark on January 9. Even with headphones, a potent poignancy